Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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