Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
