Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club