the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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