1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.