You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
