The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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