i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
