I seem to have left my pride at pride
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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