So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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