i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
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