I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
