I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
