mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
