How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
