Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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