I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
