Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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