Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
