Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
