That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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