so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
