Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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