he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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