i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
