i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
