I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Floor bacon is actually really good
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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