textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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