I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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