My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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