I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's shark week go big or go home
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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