my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
