I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Randomize
