Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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