time to smoke my breakfast
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
