i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
