Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
