loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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