Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
