I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
