cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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