my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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