So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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