Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
