am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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