you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
