Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
