I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
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