Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Do vagina's smell?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
