I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
