so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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