I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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