i just wanna soil my oats bro
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
