dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
