i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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