I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
