my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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