Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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